DISOWNED FOR INTERRACIAL LOVE

DISOWNED FOR INTERRACIAL LOVE

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT ALLOWED

4017612584_3919edfbf9_o

Growing up in an Indian family, I, Sachin became accustomed to hearing the normal stereotypes used to describe African-Americans, Asians, and a barrage of other ethnicities. From a family perspective, there wasn’t any ill my parents had with these ethnicities; they were just sharing what they had learned.  My parents grew up in India within a strict cultural and family environment.  Both of my parents came from small villages on the outskirts of large cities and as such had little access to information.  The information they were presented with were the common stereotypes we use today.  Unfortunately, even after being in the United States, the largest melting pot for immigrants, for 40 years, and having access and experiences with all different kinds of ethnicities they continued to hold their prior beliefs and chose not to evolve.

THE CONTRACT

14417293308_b8b9236397_o

When my brother decided to marry a Caucasian-American woman, my mom initially, had a terrible time accepting it.  She always wanted her two sons to marry Indian women and to continue our Indian culture here in America.  When she finally did come around, she made me sign a sheet of paper stating that I would marry an Indian woman.  In retrospect, I have no idea why I had agreed to do this, as this would be continuously brought up for the next several years.   I think I may have felt sad for my mom.  I mean she did sacrifice so many things, so that my brother and I could succeed and have the material things we desired. I felt like I owed it to her, to make her happy.

I knew that marrying a Non-Indian wasn’t going to be an option for me, but you can’t help who or why you fall in love.  I always thought that the way I was raised, was to not judge a book by its cover.  Look at the person, look their family, look at their belief system, use that as a body of work for making a decision, not skin color or ethnicity.  When I did fall in love, it was to my now beautiful African-American wife, although I knew I had to be serious about her before approaching my parents and letting them know.  My, wife now, and I dated for several months before I became serious about telling my family.  I used the context of my nieces first birthday party as a way to casually introduce several work friends and my future wife to my parents.   That ended up being a disaster.  As beautiful and educated as my wife is, initially they could just get past the color of her skin. It started several fights in our family which took months to resolve.

At the heart of the argument was the stereotypes they just couldn’t let go of, even though in the modern age there is no validity to applying stereotypes to a group of people.   It got so bad, that for a period of time, my mom told me, that if I wanted to stay with my wife then girlfriend, that I would be kicked out of the family.  To hear a mother say that to her son is completely devastating.  She continued to tell me, I broke her heart because of the document that I signed years previous.  My arguments went unheard, my logic, my reasoning, and my historical research on Indians and color, all went unheard.  I did the only thing I could and the hardest thing I have ever done.   I took a break from my family, I accepted for the time being I was disowned.

FIGHTING FOR LOVE

3202879297_86ba979265_o

Love is love, and being a romantic at heart, I decided I would defend love.  A love like my wife and I have now is worth defending, even at a young age I realized that.  I decided to fight.  I always had a feeling and hoped that my parents would come around, we just needed time.  Time for my parents to: get to know her, understand her, meet her family, so they could realize how great she really is, and how much better she makes me.  I didn’t speak to my parents for well over six months, which for me was very uncommon; I mean we spoke almost every day.  It was a game of chicken that both sides ended up losing.  I felt like I had lost my parents and they felt like they had lost a son.   After about 6 months my dad reached out to me to have lunch and talk.  He had come to grips that I was going to marry my now wife, Nikita.  What he wanted was one more conversation which I obliged.  After this lunch conversation things changed.  My dad at least met my now wife for dinner and I, but my mom was nowhere to be found.  As my dad got to know my now wife, he started to realize that maybe the stereotypes didn’t apply to her, and that she actually was a really great individual.  My mom was still on the fence, it took her a lot of convincing from my dad to at least have dinner with us.

STARTING OVER

5492672516_c64f12bdde_o

After the first dinner didn’t completely end in disaster, my mom also realized that she missed me.  In the end, it was better to have me with her, than no me at all.  This at least got us down the pathway of being able  to resurrect our family.  The more and more contact my mom had with my now wife, the more I think she realized how much they were similar.  In the end that process took several months, and for my mom to fully overcome (maybe) her prejudice based on stereotypes another several years of marriage.  I think when she finally saw how beautiful our daughter was she finally succumbed and gave in, although that was about 5 years later.

MANTRA:  Time has a wonderful way of showing us what matters.

Find out MORE INCLUDING TIPS to overcoming being disowned in our ebook: Art of Interracial Dating. I’m Dating, Indian. Now, what?

30 Comments

  • AsktheGal May 23, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    This hurt my heart. I am so sorry you went through this, BUT I am so happy you stuck to your guns and married someone you loved, not someone that looked similar to you. I hope things continue to get better!

    Reply
    • Growing Up Gupta May 24, 2016 at 6:57 pm

      Thank you! It hurt our hearts too! We wanted to share it in case someone else was going through something similar.

      Reply
  • tara pittman May 23, 2016 at 10:26 pm

    I am glad your mom got past this. I think it is cool to marry who you like regardless of skin color.

    Reply
    • Growing Up Gupta May 24, 2016 at 6:55 pm

      Thank you!

      Reply
  • Interracial couples June 13, 2016 at 7:56 am

    […] I feel sorry for your Indian parents they must be so ashamed/embarrassed? Read disowned on our website to learn more information on this and even grab our new book the Art of Interracial Dating. I’m Dating, Indian. Now, what? for a […]

    Reply
  • Biracial Parenting June 15, 2016 at 10:20 am

    […] in the park.  It is an  ethnic identity that comes without blatant discrimination at times (see disowned, see lessons learned, see 7 remarks interracial couples hate to […]

    Reply
  • Buildbox Crack free full download June 18, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Can i use rss feed of your website?

    Reply
    • Growing Up Gupta June 19, 2016 at 7:59 pm

      Sure.

      Reply
  • Buildbox Crack crack June 19, 2016 at 6:18 am

    Enjoyed reading through this, very good stuff, regards . “It requires more courage to suffer than to die.” by Napoleon Bonaparte.

    Reply
  • IS YOUR DNA THE KEY TO DESTROYING RACISM? July 18, 2016 at 10:13 am

    […] woman and my husband is Indian.  His parents are originally from India.  My husband was disowned by his parents for wanting to be with a Black woman, they threatened to not attend our wedding (more […]

    Reply
  • Darence July 19, 2016 at 4:31 am

    Thanks guys, I just about lost it loikong for this.

    Reply
  • Nona July 19, 2016 at 4:32 am

    I apapecirte you taking to time to contribute That’s very helpful.

    Reply
  • 5 Tips to overcome being disowned July 24, 2016 at 5:12 pm

    […] OVERCOMING BEING DISOWNED […]

    Reply
  • Interracial/Intercultural Relationship...What No One Talks About August 3, 2016 at 11:09 am

    […] to your relationship you find yourself disowned for love.  This actually happened  to us (see disowned) and tips for overcoming being […]

    Reply
  • WE WOULD HAVE ELOPED BUT I'M GLAD WE DIDN'T August 12, 2016 at 8:18 am

    […] married with my African-American family and friends in attendance.  However after Sachin was disowned and 6 months had gone by his dad and later mom turned a corner.  And they decided they wanted him […]

    Reply
  • Wedding August 29, 2016 at 8:47 am

    […] Indian ceremony in September in Michigan, USA.  Michigan is where Sachin is from and while he was disowned,  we had agreed on our wedding date, although his family was not yet on board.  When they finally […]

    Reply
  • Milton Belman September 6, 2016 at 6:02 am

    Thanks for a very informative web site. What else may I get that kind of information written in such a perfect means?

    Reply
  • Luther Sherbondy September 7, 2016 at 3:35 am

    Very nice blog post. I definitely appreciate this website. Continue the good work!

    Reply
  • Planning an Indian/Intercultural Wedding September 13, 2016 at 8:31 am

    […] We had two separate ceremonies on two different dates because my Indian husband had been disowned by his parents for choosing to be with an African-American woman. However after 6 months had […]

    Reply
  • BALANCING CULTURE & FAITH October 6, 2016 at 4:08 am

    […] relationships are frowned upon,  or as many conclude “bound to fail.”   And this is one of the reasons my husband believes his parents were so adamantly against our marriag… Not only am I an African-American woman with no prior knowledge of all his cultural traditions, I […]

    Reply
  • A Complete Guide to An Indian Wedding | Growing Up Gupta October 22, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    […] My own Indian wedding would be my first experience because my husband had previously been disowned for being in a relationship with me/a Non-Indian woman.  Hence, the underlying tension and relationship strain was still so new, so I only ended up helping […]

    Reply
  • 7 NO, NO'S OF INTERRACIAL/INTERCULTURAL DATING - Growing Up Gupta | Growing Up Gupta March 13, 2017 at 8:34 am

    […] Yet being in an interracial/intercultural relationship is still not an easy feat for many of us.  As such, the relationship should not be taken for granted.  Nor should it be riddled with less respect than a relationship with a significant other of the same ethnicity/culture.  We were presented with the question of what are some interracial/intercultural dating no, no’s?  Here are our top 7. […]

    Reply
  • I'm in love with someone of a different race/culture. | Growing Up Gupta July 21, 2017 at 5:49 pm

    […] to ready yourself for a myriad of threats, ultimatums, and the possibility of being disowned.  Being disowned is how bad it could get and there is more information about it here.  But hopefully it doesn’t come to this and calmer minds prevail in your family.  Here are […]

    Reply
  • INTERRACIAL/INTERCULTURAL LOVE: DEALING WITH ULTIMATUMS - Growing Up Gupta August 7, 2017 at 8:42 pm

    […] you and you love them.   If they see that you are able to fold/walk away over threats of being disowned then the relationship was not all you made it to […]

    Reply
  • classifieds ads script September 22, 2017 at 9:16 am

    Thank you for this great website. I am trying to read some more posts but I cant get your blog to display properly in my Firefox Browser. Thank you again!

    Reply
  • Megha P. October 25, 2017 at 9:08 pm

    I sincerely want to thank you for your honesty!!! This is horrible but very possible outcome for many Indians dating interracially- I, myself, am dealing with trying to cope that being disowned is a possibility for me. However, I’ve made up my mind on what I want and have come to peace with it because like you mentioned you can’t help who you love and why you love them. Thank you again

    Reply
    • Growing Up Gupta October 26, 2017 at 12:45 pm

      Hi Megha P.! Thank you for reading. This was one of the most difficult times in our lives but we made it through it stronger and better together. We hoped that in writing about it we could possibly help other couples. Good luck!

      Reply
  • Disowned November 2, 2017 at 4:48 pm

    This happened to me. My parents grew up in a small Indian village too and then moved to the US. Three years ago when my mom asked me to promise, I promised that I will marry an Indo-American, who they choose. Then, I ended up falling in love with an amazing Irish African American man. I told my parents I can’t go on a date with the guy they chose. My Dad walked out and never looked back. My parents blocked me everywhere so that I can’t email or call them. They set up security cameras too. Sometimes, I used to call or email my cousin and my parents’ friend to know how they are doing. My parents found out and warned to cut off ties with them. So everyone cut off ties and stopped responding to me. I don’t regret falling in love. This man I fell in love with takes care of me so well. I recently graduated and I am unemployed. He has been supporting me and does whatever he can financially and uses his contact to help me get my dream job.
    It does hurt though that my parents didn’t even tell me about my grandfather’s funeral. It really hurts that my parents never looked back even once to see if I am doing okay or if I need any kind of help. They disowned me because I disobeyed them once.
    Sometimes I think about Senator Kamala D. Harris’s mother and wonder what did she go through?

    Reply
    • Growing Up Gupta November 2, 2017 at 5:52 pm

      Sorry this happened to you too. Thanks for writing.

      Reply
  • find this January 6, 2018 at 2:55 am

    I simply want to tell you that I am just beginner to blogging and seriously loved your web site. Most likely I’m going to bookmark your site . You actually have good well written articles. Thanks a bunch for revealing your blog.

    Reply

Leave a Comment